Sometimes I wish there was a "undo" key in my life.

There is a significant portion of my life that I don't necessarily regret....but I do wish I could do over. If my life were a mac.....I'd apple-z the last 3 years of my life. I definitely wish I had done some things differently. Not that any of them were bad decisions or horrible in outcome. I just know now that I should've picked something different.

If I were Windows....I believe the correct key correspondence would be Ctrl-Y. If memory serves me correct.

Yes that's correct kids....my papers were never perfect. I used Ctrl-Y/Apple-Z a lot. Sometimes I'm sad I don't have that option in life.

I need sleep. Tomorrow is morning rehearsal, church gig, and then a gig in Northfield. I hope it goes ok. I'm a bit worried. I have to play some solo pieces on the gig.

Bed. Night all.

Plottsie

So I'm learning something about myself.

I don't usually spend a lot of time writing my own music. Not that I don't want to or anything....but I just don't. And on the few, rare, occasions that I do sit down to write...it typically happens when I am my most depressed. Mainly because that's when I have felt like I write my best. But I think I'm learning that its something different...

Most people say they write depending on their mood. Happy songs for when they are happy and sad songs for when they're sad. I have always written when I'm depressed. And people say that it reflects in my music.....how I'm feeling at the time I wrote it. But I'm starting to feel like maybe its not what I'm feeling as much as how MUCH I'm feeling and thinking. I typically write things that are harmonically complex....no real melodic value to them. In fact, the Stargazer song I played on my recital revolved around pedal tones in the bass as well as in the upper parts (I can't really call it soprano....but you know what I mean). But the majority of what changed were the middle voices. Writing is more about color and mood than it is about a single melodic line. Example...

Emaj7 Dmaj7/A Emaj7 Dmaj7/A Emaj7(add11) Dmaj7(add 11)/A Emaj7(add11) Dmaj7(add11)/A

Fmaj13 E7 Fmaj13 E7 Fmaj13 E7 Cmaj7/A Dmaj7/A Ebmaj7/A Fmaj7/A Repeat from top.


That's the first section of the song. It changes key centers on every chord. For lack of any other way of putting it...I ripped off Debussy's technique of planing that he loved so well. As you can tell....the bass part is pretty boring. If you read it in the key of E, its basically I, IV, I, IV, I, IV, I, IV, bVI, V, bVI, V, bVI, V, IV...... Wow...boring. So it's not the bass part that's interesting....and there is no melodic line. So what drives it is the tension in the chord tones....the harmonic complexity. One of these days I'll actually sit down and figure it all out in terms of Major, Dorian, Lydian, Harmonic Minor.......etc. But my point being that the writing I do is always complex. And I'm beginning to think about whether my writing reflects my depression, or just the fact that I'm thinking about a lot of things when I do it. I'm not depressed all the time....

Anyway....I picked up my guitar tonight and starting goofing around on it. I started playing something kinda cool...so I decided to sit down and figure out what it was. Yeah.... Dm7, Bm7b5/F, E7, Dm7, Bm7b5/F, Ebmaj7(add11). WTF man..... It doesn't know WHAT key to be in. After analyzing that it shifts from D Dorian to D Dorian#4 to D Dorian to D Locrian nat.6 So basically....its C major to A harmonic minor to C major to C Harmonic Minor. What the hell. Even jazz players don't write shit like this. At least jazz relies on ii V I in ONE KEY. Apparently I just rely on I....in every key. And even then...look at the above again. The cycle has NO V CHORD....nor does it even have anything that can be a remote substitution for a V chord. The closest thing is the Eb chord....which could be a tritone substitution of an A chord (which would be the V in D dorian)......except every tension in the chord is wrong...so it STILL isn't a substitution. It just functions more like a chromatic passing chord from the E to the D.....

Funny story. I have a lot on my mind. Possibly too much. Again...the whole point of this was to say that I think maybe my writing reflects what I'm thinking about...not necessarily the mood I'm in. Maybe I don't write best when I'm depressed....maybe I write best when I have too much to think about.

Ish....I'm gonna quit. I'll try to beat this next chapter of the game I'm playing. Its Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zur Macht.

No the game isn't German. But the title is from a work of Nietzsche. Its pretty in-depth. I won't even pretend to understand it right now. The game is actually broken up into 3 different games. I've yet to get to Episode 2 or Episode 3. But if the other 2 are anything like this first one...I'm in for a trip. In fact...it may be one of those games that you never fully understand until you finish Episode 3. But I will say this...there's a lot of religious context in it. Not bad religious context...that's just the way they designed the game. For instance, Earth is called "Lost Jerusalem"...(the game takes place way in the future...like....49xxAD or something). There is a main object with 12 emulators built around it. The object itself is called the "Zohar"...which is a religious connection to the Kaballah. The 12 emulators are supposedly representative of the 12 disciples. Interestingly enough...it pulls random things from about everywhere. One of the giant weapons in the game is called the Rhine Maiden...and consists of 3 different battleships.....each named after the 3 water nymphs in Wagner's "Der Ring des Nibelungen". Like I said...its in depth and pulls from everywhere to get its points across. Which remarkably....it seems to be doing fairly well. And like the name implies (Der Wille zur Macht)....it does have a notion about it that the idea of having power is more important than the need to survive. As is noted by the behaviors of the antagonists...

That is all for now. This is too much. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Plotts

Wow...

I can't really fathom what happened last night. Its still pretty surreal to me. It was Galaviz's recital. What can I say.....everyone was a bit nervous going into it. Its some hard music. Extremely hard music. Layers upon layers of parts....with odd time signatures and multiple time signatures at once and whatnot. Everything needed to be perfect. It was truly a concert of "if you get lost, you won't find your way back in". We spent 2.5 hours setting up and doing sound check. The concert lasted about 65 minutes. Hours and hours of learning parts and rehearsing them. And when we got on stage...we all actually EXPECTED something to fall apart. We expected at least one song to go horribly. And somehow....we managed to pull it all off perfectly. Granted...a few mishaps here and there....but aside from a few wrong notes....it managed to go flawlessly. Gordy Knutsen was there (the drummer for the Steve Miller Band). Dave Schmalenberger was there. Paul Stieber was there. All 3 of them drummers. All 3 of them said it was the best senior recital they had ever seen since they began teaching....which for some was about 20 years ago. I don't know how we did it exactly. I don't really even know what happened. It started...and was over. I remember very few moments on stage last night. But I do remember feeling absolutely mentally exhausted after it was over....so much so that I couldn't remember how to tear down my own equipment. My first thought was, "My God...where do I start? The cords? That seems logical."

Drew and I went over to Galaviz's place tonight. Got the official board mixed CD and a DVD of the recital. We spent a good 4 hours listening to them at Galaviz's place. What the hell man. So damn good. I can honestly say its the best playing I've done....EVER. During one of my solos (the ending solo on Hatesong), Galaviz and I went into a duple meter together. Unplanned. In it for about 6 beats....then out. On beat. We watched that part over and over for a good 45 minutes. Just in awe that it happened. Things like that don't just happen. Not spur of the moment like that. But somehow....that's exactly what happened. Unplanned....not even remotely hinted at. And it fell together perfectly. We caught shit tonight that we didn't hear last night. Haunted piano chords. Odd harmonies that were unplanned but completely fit. Odd drum fills and "out-yet-in" time grooves that just worked. We even caught a few "Hoooolllllyyy Shiiittttt"s from random people in the audience. And to be honest...that's about all I said all night. Holy shit. Its one thing to know the performance went well. Its a completely different thing to actually hear a recording of it that confirms that....yeah....that shit went REALLY WELL.

I'm still in awe of what happened. I don't know if I'll ever play like that again. I hope I do. I hope last night marked a new chapter in the "Eric plays guitar" book. But if not....at least I know now that maybe someday I'll get to write that chapter. I at least know its there.

Its time to go to bed. I have to do some recording for Zach tomorrow at 1. Not that its early or anything...but knowing me I'll still have trouble getting out of bed around then.

When I get around to it I'll try to post audio recordings of it up on Myspace. I can't guarantee it'll be tomorrow....but hopefully by next weekend I'll have it done.

To bed I go. I can't focus anymore. Just watching the recital and listening to it took it all out of me again.

Out.

Plottsie

So...I did something bad today.

I went and downloaded 3 new albums. 2 new Freak Kitchen albums...because the guitar player is just insane, and generally because his lyrics are freakin HILARIOUS. And then I bought an album I've been wanting for awhile...."Be" by Pain of Salvation. Probably the most emotionally draining album I've ever bought...and I'm only halfway through the damn thing. Not depressing....or overly happy. But its everywhere. Obviously its a concept album....but the concept is just.....huge. Its not just one concept. Its about 10...or 100. Its light...yet dark. Its happy...yet depressing. Its logical...yet interpretive. Its...fuck. It deals with God..money...suicide....sex....war...population...life...death. EVERYTHING. It is by far the DEEPEST album I've ever heard. EVER. Its so deep that the writer, Daniel Gildenlow, made an entire website devoted to explaining what the album is about. And in it he has a page that is called the "Key Words, Theories, and Points of Departure" page. Its about a 3-4 page long bulleted outline of possible NEW material he never explored in the album. Its meant for listeners of the album to go out and continue their own experience with the album. I guess essentially the album isn't finished....its left for the listener to go explore other paths started by this album. It includes everything from Fractal Systems, Religion, Darwinism, Overpopulation, Hyper-Individualism, Industrialism, the "enslavement of God" and about a billion other things. Deep. Extremely deep. Extremely genius. I'm pretty sure the album has become my new number one favorite. And the guitar playing in it isn't even extremely amazing. The album is just that intense.

His own main point in the album is the idea of creation (hence the album title..."Be"). He points out that no being ever remembers not being, nor does it remember its creation. Therefore, God creates humans in an effort to better understand where he came from. He creates us all in his image, with each person containing a different "part" of God. But we are all a part of a whole. In order for there to be God, we all must exist. But since we have different viewpoints and theories, we wage war against each other. By killing each other, we destroy ourselves, and the physical "entities" of God (remember God is now split amongst the population). Since we don't understand where we came from (we don't remember not being or our creation, remember?) we create computers. Humans eventually die off from overpopulation, starvation, what have you. Computers, in turn, try to understand their creation (through artificial intelligence and whatnot). Being based in logic, they understand that in order to understand everything, they must unify and become one. Computers merge into one all knowledgeable being....the re-creation of God. God tries to figure out his creation. And the cycle starts again.

Its this weird idea that God dies, but doesn't. He ceases to necessarily exist as one physical entity, but he doesn't die. He splits, and therefore exists (in parts) in all of us. And we write our theories and whatnot in books and computers and writing. Therefore he exists in our knowledge. Which becomes digitalized and saved in eternity on hard drives and webpages (much like my thoughts going into this blog). The hard drives eventually become one massive, cohesive unit...and all knowledge is again connected in one "being". Which again becomes the representation of God.

Weird. Slightly creepy. Amazingly thought out....I mean. Even if it is wrong...the idea is genius. And slightly disturbing. You can actually see it happening if you take the time to look at it in Daniel Gildenlow's light. I mean....we as humans did create computers to store our information. And we created the internet so our computers could share information with each other. One day, we as a human race will perish. Its hard to imagine, and it may be far off...but it will happen, just like it did to the dinosaurs. And when that happens, the only thing left will be computers. Probably running off solar and wind energy by that point....they don't need food or water to survive like we do. So computers and the internet will still be active without us. And as we know, the internet is the most amassed knowledge database we have. I mean, you can download full encyclopedias on the internet. All of them. When we cease to exist...computers will have all knowledge. And artificial intelligence will just enhance their abilities. I mean...I hate saying this....but according to the way things are going....the internet is God in embryo form. How oddly...ironic? Insane? Weird? And to think that one day...computers will recreate us...is. Deep. Almost far-fetched.

Seriously I can't think anymore. The ideas my brain has been trying to wrap itself around has been....well, as stated at the top of this...emotionally draining. Its the hardest I've thought about anything since freaking calculus class.

While the whole album is amazing...I'm pretty sure its track 8 that hits a soft spot. When creating the album....Daniel wrote in his fan newsletter that fans should call a phone number if they wished to be a part of the next album. He also stated that they should say whatever they wanted to, as if they were speaking directly to God himself. The phone number was connected to "God's answering machine". The band got THOUSANDS of phone calls...and took the most touching and placed them on track 8. Everything from apologies, to thanks, to suicide messages, to prayers. People laughing...people literally bawling uncontrollably. Everything. I leave you with my favorite message on the machine...and the music accompanying it.

"Hey. And I apologize to you for....you know. I just want to say I'm sorry...and thank you. Oh, and one more thing. Please.....help me fly."


Off I go to church rehearsal. May God help me fly, too.

Plottsie

Fuckin' A....

If I EVER.....EVER see another "professional keyboardist" use the transposition key on the keyboard to play parts....I'll fuckin kill him. Right there...on the spot. Enough said.

Our keyboardist didn't wish to *actually* transpose the music....so he just learned all the parts in C and then uses the transposition key on the fuckin keyboard. Which would be fine and all.....accept the asshole doesn't hit the button enough times. So sometimes he's a half or whole step off. Which is great. He told me the transpositions on Sunday....and I *ACTUALLY* transposed them to the *CORRECT* key. Which was all for naught....because the asshole can't hit the button enough times for the keyboard to transpose it correctly. So I...AGAIN....have to SIGHT transpose it. Fucker.

Not to mention the fact that I start some songs. Real convenient when I start the song...and the asshole starts playing it in the wrong key....doesn't shift the transpose button...and then blames me. Fuck off. Learn how to play a piano like a real musician. Good lord....even middle school music teachers know how to *actually* transpose parts on a piano without using the transpose button.

I'm done. I can't stay awake anymore.

Plottsie

What an interesting week.

There's really not much else to say than that. A lot of ups. A lot of downs. A lot of accepting the unacceptable. A lot of stress. A lot of thinking.

Its ironic how you can finally come to accept something that has happened....only to have it turn around when you've just accepted what its become. And at this point in the game you never know what to do about it. Accept what it has become...or attempt to move forward with it now that its changed its mind. Its kind of like a lightbulb that goes out. It goes out, and you think, "Son of a bitch....I'll go get a new lightbulb." So you get a new lightbulb and then the old one decides to work again. You again think, "Son of a bitch.."....but now you have a new problem. Change the lightbulb or not? You accepted that it was burnt out before. Now it works. But is it gonna burn out the minute you walk away? Is it on its last leg of life, and you should replace it anyway? Maybe it wasn't the lightbulb, but an electrical connection in the wall? You just don't know.

Sigh....I will never understand how life decides to teach us all our lessons.

Now...do I change the lightbulb or leave it?

I can't think about it right now. I got stuff to do. I gotta eat. I gotta do some laundry so I have clothes to wear tonight and tomorrow. Then I gotta go perform the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" tonight. Ish. I hate this musical. But its money.

Out.

Plottsie

I just had an interesting talk with Heimerman about "not knowing what you want to do with your life". Or...in our case, rather....we're just too interested in several things in life, and have a hard time picking one we really want to commit to.

Its funny. I think people spend their entire lives thinking, "I got this degree in college and now I can't change the rest of my life because of it." Its kind of a defeatist attitude. Granted....yes, you will probably commit to one thing in life at some point. Probably in college. That doesn't mean it can't change, or it can't evolve into something else. It also doesn't mean you can't be interested in other things.

So I got to thinking a bit about all the things I like in life...other than what I went to college in. And I'm finding out that I went to college in something that my mind isn't necessarily completely based around. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense....but think about it. Music is a form of art...and art is a form of expression. Expression is based in nuance, creativity, and the sense that things aren't black or white. They can be interpreted however you want. My mind however, is logic based. 1+1=2. Its black/white, has no room for interpretation, and is based in logic, not creativity. So it led me to thinking about all the different things I wanted to be in life while I was growing up. And comparing them to what I do now. Let's take a look:

Age 5 - Fighter Pilot - Everybody knows the movie Top Gun is a freakin sweet 80's movie. Big giant planes flying through the sky with big explosions and shit. Yep...logic based. Stick goes up/down, left/right. Meters tell you everything you need to know. No room for interpretation. You aren't "Maybe 400 ft off the ground maybe going 1000 mph". You ARE 400 ft off the ground going 1000 mph. Logic all the way on this one.

Age 8 - Astronaut - Yep...I was this geeky kid too. What's to interpret here? "Umm...Houston...my feet don't touch the ground anymore. Umm...I think I'm not on Earth anymore. And I think I'm floating." Nope...definitely NOT an interpretive job. That's for damn sure. Logic all the way on this one too.

Age 11 - Veterinarian - Hmm. You dog sneezes. It has a cold. Logic. Here's some pills. Granted, there might be SOME interpretive skills....but they're pretty logical interpretive skills. You aren't going to tell someone their dog has a cold if it keeps licking its paw. Logic...again.

Age 14 - Chemist - Put this and this together...and BOOM! Goodbye whatever was near it. Ok...maybe not quite....but still. Water doesn't maybe consist of two parts hydrogen. Logic takes the 4th career.

Age 16 - Astrophysicist - Now here's where it gets interesting. This career is pretty difficult. It requires a ton of math and physics skills...all of which are based around...well....math. The speed of gravity is 9.8m/sec squared. Physics is all math. Logic wins....or does it? See....astrophysicists chart the motion of planets and celestial objects in the sky. The motions of galaxies...the expansion/contraction of the universe. But they also use their logic to interpret the un-explainable. On several accounts they have encountered "wobbling stars". They used logic to interpret that the star was being pulled by a gravitational force. If this gravitational force pulled the star to and fro...then the interpretation would be to think that this gravitational force was orbiting that star. Our logic led to an interpretation...which has since led to the discovery of new solar systems in different galaxies. New planets orbiting a distant star...causing it to wobble back and forth. Or take for instance, the fact that they determined that the edges of galaxies rotate SO fast that they should be ejecting their outer material, but for some odd reason are not. That's the logic. The interpretation? There's more gravity in the galaxy than can be accounted for by the naked eye.

Proposed solution: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_matter

Look that shit up. They're still working on confirming it. There's also the postulation of dark energy...the supposed reason why the universe continues to accelerate in its expansion. They're still working on that one, too. As you can see....logic leads to some sort of interpretation which must be tested and analyzed. Score one for logic AND for interpretation.

Age 17 - Musician - And now we get to this one. A place where logic really doesn't exist. There are rules....but you don't have to follow ANY of them. Music is determined based on what you feel is right at the time. You can go back through after the music is performed or composed and use logic to explain how it fits together and works. But other than that logic really has no place in music. Score one for interpretation.

And that leads me to where I am now. I went to college in music (interpretation), but my mind thinks mainly in math and science (logic). Its not a bad thing...they aren't counter-intuitive to each other. It just means that I actually have to use both halves of my brain for things. And because I like so many things about life, its hard to pick one to ever really stick with. I managed to pick music for now. It'll probably stay that way for forever. Music will always be a part of my life...I can't imagine a life without it. But since my brain works logically....that means I have to get my logic kicks from somewhere else. Right now it seems to exist in video games. Eventually I want to get back into my model rockets and radio controlled airplanes and such. I mean...at this rate I'll probably never go back to college for astrophysics or chemisty. Might as well do something close to it. Like flying radio controlled planes and shooting off giant rockets all while expecting something to go KABOOM!

Ok this seems more like a rant than anything. I should be done. I dunno what I'm talking about anymore.

Out

Plottsie

So....today is already interesting.

I woke up about 10am this morning. I know...not normal for me. But for the first time in months I woke up without the alarm clock....on my own accord. And I woke up absolutely refreshed and shockingly...happy. I attempted to get up....and then laid back down. Not because I was still tired (cause I wasn't)....but because I was so happy. Just being under the covers....warm....cuddly....and in that sort of "dreamily-awake" state just made me happy. So I stayed there. I got back under the covers and turned on the tv. And guess where I still am....typing this up. Its been a long time since I've been like this. I'm reaping it for all its worth.

Its odd.....last time I was up this early in the morning.....not for work or because I stayed up all night.....was because I was forced awake by listening to the bitching of Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg on "The View". Granted....the show has its place. But seriously....that much arguing and bitching in the morning? Before noon? I don't need debating and arguing and disagreement to wake me up in the morning. If I wanted that I'd be able to wake myself up EVERY morning. Pretty sure I do enough of my own debating and shit in my own head.

So...I'm sitting here. Under the covers. Warm. Constantly switching channels between Discovery, History, Spike, Comedy Central, and CNN. CNN mostly just fills the empty spaces when shows go to commercial and no other channel has anything good on. Besides....I haven't really kept up with the world like I should lately. I really don't care much or pay attention to which side of the debate they are on. I just kinda want to know what's happening in the world. Besides....anytime I turned it on Lou Dobbs was usually on. And he just quit CNN because his viewpoints didn't match with what the network wanted. I actually liked him. Didn't always agree with him...but at least his viewpoints were consistent and he didn't spend time bullshitting to cover his ass. He laid it down. Whether right or wrong....he at least committed to it. Lol....My alarm just went off....fuckin sweet. Today is a good day. And its only 2 hours in....

I suppose I should probably get to work. I need to print off my church charts. And mark them up with highlighter. That's how I know what to play. I mark (literally) the entire chart in highlighter. A different color for each different type of guitar part. Blue for acoustic, green for clean electric, yellow for country-like electric, orange for crunch-distortion, red for modern-distortion and solos. If there's multiple guitar parts....then the measure has a line through it for each part. Keeps it easy to remember when you learn 6-7 new songs a week..with one rehearsal and one performance on Sunday morning.

Damn...I'm hungry. Maybe I'll eat something. Finally. I made chicken helper last night. Ate none of it. That's something I always eat. I love that shit. Made it cause the chicken was going to go bad if I didn't make it. Actually had interest in eating it last night....then after I made it my appetite pretty much subsided and reverted to the "if I eat I'm gonna be sick" state. So I just put it in the fridge. So....I think I'll eat it now.

Today is awesome. I've just spent 4 hours writing this while watching tv. Oh yeah...and I actually got up and changed sheets. It felt like it needed to be done. I know. Weird cause I slept in them, then changed them and got back in them....but clean sheets feel awesome.

I gotta get things done here. I shall procrastinate no longer. :-)

I'm out.

Plottsie

I now understand why people who die of starvation and lack of bodily needs make absolutely NO SENSE in their last words... The shit they see from their delirium makes no sense...and they just translate it into words the best they can.

My state of delirium has gotten to hallucinations. I've managed to see a smurf turn the corner of the hallways of my apartment building....there was a dog sleeping next to my bed when I got home...and on the drive home someone's used cigarette butt they tossed out the window turned into Tinkerbell.

I need to eat. Can't keep anything down. My body revolted to leftover tacos over the weekend...and revolted crackers last night. And ice cream the night before. I need to find some way of forcing food upon myself. Either that or find myself in the hospital with an IV in a few days.

Crap. The letters on my keyboard are moving. Clearly delirious.

I'm trying ice cream again. After all...it is just a frozen state of a liquid. Maybe letting it melt a little would help....

On another note....I got got 2 goals done today. I transposed all the music of "By Bye Birdie" to the correct keys it needed to be in for the show. And I helped Paulus by giving him Drew's number so he could figure out when to be at school for a rehearsal.

And I partly cleaned my room. But not really enough to notice anything.

I failed to do any laundry. I do have all day tomorrow though. Or maybe I'll just buy some new stuff.....I need to get out of my apartment.

Then again with the delirium....maybe I need to stay IN the apartment. Maybe driving around isn't so great of an idea. Sigh....eff life sometimes.

Out.

Plotsie

Things here have been really f*cked up.

It seems they have been this way for awhile. And I'm not sure why I couldn't see it.....if I was just jaded....or if I was just simply too stupid to notice it. But fact of the matter is...I notice it now. And I need to desperately change it. For my friends. For my loved ones. And for Me.

There is no other way to put this. Plain and simply....I am unhappy. Not with people. Not with life. Not with family or anyone else. I'm unhappy with myself. I am unhappy with where I am. With what I am doing. With what I've managed to transform into over the last 4 years or so. I'm not sure when it started, to be exact. But that doesn't matter. What matters is when it is going to end. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has problems. Its how you react to them and fix them that makes you the person that you are. And right now....I most definitely am a shitty person. Maybe not on the outside...maybe not to people or things. But definitely on the inside. And I've definitely cast this aura of shit onto other people and their lives. Not intentionally...but it has happened. Now I know people may argue and say, "You aren't a shitty person." But I know better. When I make mistakes....and when I have problems...and the way I deal with them is by turning negative and not fixing them....its not right. Like I said before, its how you react and fix these things that makes you who you are. I react negatively and don't fix them. Which makes me shitty.

So. I WILL FIX THIS. This isn't some stupid "fix this, but it never gets fixed" ordeal. This NEEDS to be fixed. I'm losing track of things I love and adore because I'm too busy sitting here being a negative butt-munching shit receptacle. Enough of that shit. It starts today. And doesn't end. EVER.

Starting today....things I will do EVERYDAY:

1) I WILL wake up happy....not with the typical "Oh God....another day..." response I usually have.
2) I WILL have two goals a day I wish to achieve. And I WILL attempt to achieve it. Even if I fail, I will have tried.
3) I WILL stop wasting time bitching about things, and instead will work at changing what I don't like.
4) I WILL control my own fate...and not let fate control me.
5) I WILL try to help one person other than myself everyday.
6) I WILL focus on these things everyday.

These are the things I will do EVERYDAY. Now the short term goals.

1) I WILL be a different and happier person by Dec. 31, 2009.

That's it.

Now the long term...

1) I WILL be able to afford my own apartment every month by Aug. 1, 2010.
2) I WILL have a cat and be able to afford it and its vet bills by Aug. 1, 2010.
3) I WILL be gigging twice a week (excluding church) by May 1, 2010.
4) I WILL have a small recording studio for myself by Jan. 1, 2011.
5) I WILL start writing and recording my own music.
6) I WILL start saving money so that I have a savings account with the equivalent of one year's worth of money to live on should I lose all my jobs....or should I quit all my jobs and move to another city.
7) I WILL be debt free by the time I'm 30. Its 5 years. I can do it.

Some of these goals are lofty. I know. I can at least try though.

My goals today:

1) Transpose all the music in the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" to where it needs to be for rehearsal tonight.
2) Extensively clean my room. I will live in a shit hole no more.
3) I will do *some* laundry and not wear this pair of underwear for the fourth day.

Enough. I start now. No more wasting time.

Out.

Plottsie